Page 2: Revision of Unit 1 Essay: Narrative

     The first version of my unit 1 narrative paper was lacking in several things. Besides a lack of professionalism, the paper completely missed a relevant introduction and was wanting in sensory detail to help the story come to life. I also embarrassingly submitted the paper without correcting the format to the required Turabian. When I first sent in this paper, I was unaware of the inadequacy of it. But looking back on it weeks later with my added experience and education, I have noticed these problems and have done my best to fix them.

Link to original version: Game of Attitude.docx

Link to revised version: Game of Attitude - revised.docx

Revised essay:   

Major revisions are highlighted

     When comparing these two versions of the same essay, the first thing you will notice is the different introductions. The original paper jumps right into the story by describing myself and my own situation at camp. This introduction, however, has nothing to do with the theme of the paper which is only made clear in the final paragraph of the essay. The addition of a proper introduction in the later version not only helps add a more professional tone to my work, but also gives the readers a sense of relevance as they read the following story.

     The introduction was not the only added piece to this paper. Comparing the two versions, you will see that the first four paragraphs in the revised version are missing from the original. These added paragraphs establish the setting of my narrative. In my original version, I gave little information about the atmosphere of MK Camp. This lack of description can leave the reader, who has never experienced this camp, easily confused, or even cause them to lose interest because there is not enough detail to hold their attention. The third and fourth paragraphs of the revised version is not only helpful in establishing the setting, but it also provides a nice transition into the story itself.

     The narrative following remains largely the same in both versions of my paper. Besides the alteration of a word or sentence here and there, or some insertion of small details, I did not feel that the body of my paper needed much change.

    I was, however, able to heed the advice of my instructor, and provide additional sensory detail. By describing the meeting rooms as “cool, airconditioned” a reader can also get an idea of the hot weather outside of the room. They can better imagine my experience of walking into a comfortable room, being, myself, perfectly comfortable to remain uninvolved in the activities to happen there. According to the advice of my teacher, it would be also beneficial to “try to think about how the Vaseline felt on your nose,” I therefore replaced the phrase “my face was bright red,” with, “The Vaseline felt thick and goopy on the tip of my nose…” This change is advantageous not only because it gives readers an idea of what I went through while playing that game, but also the ridiculousness of it. Instead of coming right out and saying, “I was embarrassed” the readers could now gather that sensation themselves based on the described situation.

     One of the more important additions in my narrative paper is in the conclusion. By adding the final two sentences, “So next time you are faced with an unpleasant situation, remember to choose the joyful attitude. You won’t regret it.” I can make clear the purpose of my written memoir. Addressing the reader in the conclusion as I did in the introduction is also helpful in tying the whole paper together and giving a sense of closure to the story.

     Overall, I am happy with the outcome of my narrative paper. I know that it is not perfect, but the revisions I made have certainly improved it. The introduction clearly states the purpose of my writing and adds purpose to my story. The extra description of the place establishes the setting and the added sensory detail throughout the story helps the reader better understand what is going on. And finally, the revised conclusion clearly restates the theme of my paper and closes the story neatly. Given more time and thought, I am sure I could find more ways of improving my work, but for now I and happy with the improvement made to my unit 1, narrative essay.